Titanium heart

The past few weeks have been absolute madness, with doctor appointments, tests, new medications and of course, trying to manage my uni work load. Bare with me while I fill you in on the hectic few weeks of Ayla Lette.

From a Lupus stand point, I can actually get out of bed in the morning, without feeling like I’m a 90 year old woman with arthritis. Cortisone has been a god send and I am soooooooo happy that I haven’t put on weight or puffed up like Michelin woman (actually lost weight….. go me!). But, the immunosuppressive medication has hit me super hard, resulting in me catching the worst cold I have had in years! I had no idea that lupus could potentially cross the placenta and cause problems, such as congenital heart block, if I was to possess the certain antibodies, in which I am still nervously awaiting the results. As if I didn’t already fall into the high risk category when I get pregnant….. life is throwing its force at me!

Three weeks ago I went to see an IVF specialist about the possibility of egg freezing for sort of like an insurance policy, especially when I only have one ovary left. The Doctor explained to Mum and I that the risk associated with egg retrieval is higher than if I was to leave the ovary (higher rates of infection and complications, than developing an issue that may affect my remaining ovary). But, he suggested that I have an AMH level done, to  measure my ovarian reserve. If it was above twenty, fantastic, leave the ovary be, if it was ten or below, egg collection will be necessary to save my future fertility. At the age of 21, even with one ovary, the level should be high, so of course I entered the Doctors rooms today feeling hopeful that I was ok.

All I heard from the Doctor was “AMH level is 4.7” and “I am sorry I couldn’t give you better news”. My heart sunk and it took all my strength to not burst into tears. Luckily for me, Dad was there to ask all the important questions and for much needed support. From what I can gather, in my still in shock state, is that because my AMH level is low, it means that they will not be able to collect many each cycle, so numerous cycles are planned to gather as many eggs as possible. Usually an low AMH level is seen in mid to late 30 year olds, which is concerning, but at least I am aware and put plans into action, instead of discovering that my ovarian reserve is near 0, when I do try and have my babies.

As soon as we walked out of the building, I latched onto Dad and balled my bloody eyes out, thinking “why the f*ck is this happening?”, I felt like the world was so against me and that every possible obstacle was being thrown at me to prevent me from ever becoming a Mum.

But, I soon cried and got over it, because you know what…. I have so much to be thankful for and although its a shitty situation, this year’s obstacles have just put another titanium layer on my heart, so to speak, making me harder to break. To overcome my sadness I reeled off a list of what I am grateful for:

  1. I have a loving, healthy and supportive family, who I adore.
  2. My friends are the most beautiful people on earth, with a few even offering themselves for surrogates or to donate eggs, to see me become a Mum. (You have no idea how amazing they are!)
  3. I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach and I am safe….. so much better off than most people in the world.
  4. I can afford to see a doctor when I need to and have access to medication and treatment.
  5. I am going on the most amazing American holiday in 2018.

The list could go on and on and on! I am so damn lucky and this is what keeps me going! I have always wanted to be a Mum since I was a little tacker and I’ll be damned if this rubbish is going to destroy me, because even if I can’t have little Ayla’s running around, there are so many children who need a loving mother and that is what I can and will be.

Life is a bloody bumpy road, but I am ok with bumps; one day I will look at my children and smile, because its going to be a whole lot sweeter to have them with me after all this.




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