“Young Women like you have this fantasy of how your life is meant to be planned out, but reality is it isn’t going to happen…. buy a puppy, they are easier”. These are the words that bought my blood to the boil during my visit to the rheumatologist today, ones that will stick with me forever. My Lupus caused me to be referred to a rheumatoid specialist to ensure that I was on the best treatment plan possible, but instead, I walked away with fear of death and a cancelled egg collection cycle.
I went into the doctors office with my darling Mother, expecting the Doctor to review my medications and ensure that I was on top of my Lupus……. But, as I should know by now, expecting things to go simply will always end badly. As soon as I entered the room I felt as though I was at uni, being asked questions about antibodies and biology, I was thinking “Mate, aren’t you the specialist here? wtf are you asking me for?” and then came the depressing conversation, lacking hope and causing me to become frustrated. As I already knew, I am complicated, I have congenital abnormalities, I have a low AMH, which is not normal and my body is very different to a ‘normal’ 21 year old female. I also found out today that, I don’t just fit the lupus characteristics on a biochemical level, but also multiple different autoimmune diseases…. as if one wasn’t enough…. as I say, I am complicated.
As soon as I told him I was having eggs frozen he shattered my dreams, by saying that a I am playing with fire if I choose to carry my own child and a surrogate would be a wiser choice….. now, I must admit that he is in some respects right, but the way you tell a 21 year old female that has to be sensitive and I can tell you now, nothing about this conversation was sensitive. Don’t get me wrong, this Doctor is an excellent specialist and his knowledge on rheumatology is exceptional , but the bed side manner is an aspect to improve on.
Then came the scary part, being told that you are so sick and that your autoimmune disease is so unstable that if you were to start injections for egg collection (which I was meant to begin on Sunday) you could potentially die, because he has had cases where women have ended up in ICU on their last legs. So, being told that doing an elective procedure could kill you or make you extremely sick in your current state really shakes you up. So, my autoimmune diseases need to be contained before I can start the cycle….. just when I bought the injections and psyched myself up for the ordeal.
I could never have done this without Mum and Dad, they are my rocks, come with me to appointments and would move heaven and earth for my happiness and health, I am so lucky to have them and I will always be grateful for their love and support…. you have to always find things to be thankful for, because they are there.
Apparently, I am a disaster waiting to happen, so lets all wait and watch the disaster unfold….. But despite this all, I have had my anger episode, cried my tears and now I am determined to beat this, level out my antibodies and ensure I am at my best health to tackle this egg collection and give my future babies the best chance at life…. but I keep thinking there are always options…. so many babies who need a Mum, I will be a Mother, one way or another…. just watch me Doc.