I beat you!

As I sit here in my hospital bed, I am smiling…… not just because I am as high as a kite, but my god am I happy operation two is over! A year of pain and suffering is coming to an end and I can finally start to enjoy life 100%, without having to microwave my heat pack every night and throw down endone.

This morning I was so calm, it concerned me! I felt as though I needed to freak out a little bit but instead I watched Netflix and had a good laugh….. I felt at peace with my situation and knew soon all this would be over and I could finally go back to the normal, pain free Ayla.

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I feel like this operation was so much more uneventful than the last. I basically sat here watching David Attenborough with Mum and Dad and was soon whisked away to theatre; where everyone of the nursing staff were fascinated by my case and boy did I feel special. I guess I need to look at my situation in this way, I have one of the rarest uterine abnormalities and although its not pleasant, it makes me who I am. It’s made me stronger and appreciate my health more, as well as not taking things for granted.

After expressing to my anaesthetist my concern over my lack of coherence for hours last time, I was shocked to wake up in post op feeling awake and did not struggle to come to. Before the surgery, it really worried me that I would struggle waking up again, but be aware of voices and unable to open my eyes, a terrifying experience. But, this time I was lucky and I am so grateful I was coherent enough to see and speak to Mum and Dad before they had to leave for the night.

The plan was to try and keep the right sided ovary and take the Fallopian tube and detached uterus, leaving me with one Fallopian tube, two ovaries and half of the uterus that is connected to the cervix. But, when my surgeon got in there, she was unable to save the ovary, due to the blood supply being compromised. So, it looks as though I will be seeing the IVF doctors after I am fully recovered to retrieve some eggs….. for a bit of an insurance type thing, incase something happens to the other ovary (touch wood it doesn’t, but you never know what life will throw at you).

I am actually really surprised as to how well I am handling it all, I think I have the drugs to thank, but I definitely feel better than last time. It also might be the fact Mum and Dad bought me some butter chicken and a donut for dinner…. it was definitely needed and appreciated!

Well, 15 minutes after I wrote that last paragraph and I have decided to retract that statement, I have vomited….. let me just tell you vomiting when you have just had abdominal surgery is not a fun time….. the pain is getting horrendous…… bring me those sweet drugs!!!

I’m sitting here with stockings that inflate and deflate to prevent blood clots and a catheter, so I don’t have to get out of bed to use the toilet, I must say lazy me is happy about that. But have you guys seen the size of the tube that goes in your urethra! Now that is concerning!

My lovely Doctor came to see me at dinner time to talk me through the operation and how everything went. She also showed me some fascinating pictures she took of the abnormality, this might be weird, but I want a copy! The doctor also gave me a lot of hope for future babies….. which made me the happiest woman in the world at that point! My future fertility, although will have some hurdles, is intact and one day I will become a Mum….. it’s all I’ve ever wanted!

All in all, everything is going well and I can’t wait to be home resting. I cannot thank everyone enough for the love and support they are showing! I am so incredibly lucky and I could not have overcome this without you all….. you are my light in the dark….. thankfully the darkness is easing and soon there will only be light. Love you all! x

Sayonara zoladex

Yesterday I endured the last injection of zoladex! I’m thrilled but also sad…. why on earth would I be sad that I was saying goodbye to excessive weight gain, shit skin and monstrous hot flushes? Because I’m in pain…. back to square one!

Because of exams last week I wasn’t able to come up to have my last injection and it had to be delayed a week. Boy was that week horrendous! I was under the impression that it would take at least 2-4 weeks for the effects of zoladex to wear off….. I was sooooo wrong! 2 days after I was due for the implant, I was awoken to severe stabbing pains at 3am…. so strong I was tempted to wake Mum and Dad.

I think I nearly skipped into the doctors office yesterday! I was so damn excited to be injected with the hot flush devil! My doctor has tentatively booked the first week in September for my surgery, giving it another 8 weeks to see if that is the root cause of the pain….. we all seem to believe it is…. just take this f*cker out please. September please hurry up! I mean I’ll be in hospital for a few days, which absolutely sucks! But I suppose it’s for the best!

Mum and I left the doctor singing out usual praises for the doctor, saying we love her and could be friends with her…. bless her! Would be horrible if I didn’t have such a lovely doctor!

So here I am, waiting for the zoladex to take this pain away and turn me back into the hot flush queen. But I’m still soldiering on and looking forward to the little things such as, our family holiday, my 21st birthday, being able to see my Aunties, uncles and cousins and of course being home to cuddle my puppies! I will kick your ass menopause and abnormality …. enjoy inflicting pain while you can!

 

Any one got tissues?

Today I have cried once and had a few near misses….. its only 12:30pm…… I’m going so well! These episodes were absolutely pathetic and now I can laugh at them….. now I’m not such a hormonal mess.

I dragged my very tired ass out of bed at 6:30am, after a night of tossing and turning, throwing the covers off and then having to search for them again in the dark…… like can I be at one consistent temperature please ? This shocking excuse for sleep was all I needed for an exam at 9am!

As I’m sitting at my allocated desk, waiting for others to file into the room ready for this bloody exam, a dog walked in! Yes, you read that right, A DOG! An assistance golden retriever with the fluffiest coat ever was accompanying the lady behind me….. now I love dogs, maybe a little too much, because this is when I had my first near miss of the day. It looked like it was smiling and its tail was wagging furiously, it got me good because I could feel the tears welling up and then realised how pathetic I was being….. I was about to cry over a cute dog! That’s when you know you are hormonal and tired!

During the exam, I was concentrating on an essay question, until I started to fell extremely hot. Now, all I can say is thank god for special consideration…. because I was able to take a break, standing outside with the assessor stripping off to a singlet, in the middle of the corridor. “Oh darl, I know how you feel!”, if it wasn’t for the lovely old lady’s comment and presence, I would have cried…… of all times I could have a hot flush, it had to be in the middle of an exam! But as per usual, I soldiered on and left feeling I had aced the exam, despite my body hating me!

Near miss number three was in the supermarket….. Mum wouldn’t answer her phone, I didn’t know what the hell to buy to turn my white undies, which I had turned pink, back to their original colour. I was in the washing aisle for about five minutes, looking at all these product I had no idea how to use and I needed my Mum. I nearly cried because I was confused but most of all I miss my Mum. Adulting is hard! The rational part of my brain kicked in and I bought bleach….. like it wasn’t that bloody hard woman!!!!

After all of the near misses, I finally cracked….. I cried! But for the stupidest reason ever! Usually if I’m driving and someone beeps me, I’m ready with the rude finger and my potty mouth…. but today was different! I cried because I wasn’t paying attention at the lights and some old duck gave me a beep to make me aware. Like how stupid is that! I was totally in the wrong and should have been paying attention, because I know if the shoe was on the other foot I’d be more than happy to beep someone holding me up.

I think it all got the best of me…. but I soon got back to my apartment, watched an episode of the inbetweeners, had a coffee and had a laugh at how stupid lack of sleep and hormones had made me this morning!

 

Dilemma…… just one of many……

As I write this, I am sitting in front of the love of my life….. the $59 fan from Bunnings, which has been a bloody god send! You have no idea how excited I am to have these implants over with! But you also don’t know how terrified I am to get to menopausal age….. because I know exactly what to expect! Blessing and a curse.

To control my hot flushes, oestrogen was prescribed. Let me just tell you that walking into the chemist with a script for oestrogen tablets and a cold did not do my situation any favours! Poor pharmacist looked at me, then at the script, for ages! All I could think was “He probably thinks I’m trans!!!!” He even had to ring the doctor, to make sure that this husky voiced, young lady was 100% meant to be on these tablets.

I was thinking “great, no more hot flushes!” as I took the first tablet. I was partly right, the hot flushes eased, but I reckon I could have been mistaken for a marshmallow! Pale and chubby! It was as if zoladex and my antidepressants weren’t causing me to gain weight quick enough and good old oestrogen jumped in to speed things up! So here I was facing a dilemma…… I mean I have multiple a day, but this one nearly needed a pros and cons list!

Do I:

a) Keep taking the oestrogen to alleviate the hot flushes and accept my fate as the up and coming Michelin woman? (coming to tv screens near you).

or

b) Stop taking the oestrogen tablets, control the weight, but become a walking fireball?

I chose plan b…… I really don’t know if that was the appropriate decision, all for the sake of a little vanity? It has really got me thinking…. did I really just put my weight and my appearance above my health? I guess it all came down to the fact that I am a single twenty year old female, who felt the need to be slim to attract a man…… WTF was I thinking!!!!

I have come to the realisation that if a male cannot accept me at the moment, at my lowest, he definitely doesn’t deserve me at my best! Someone will pop up and accept my chubby, pimply face……

 

Zoladex….. you bastard…..

Zoladex and I have a love hate kind of relationship…. Love that it allows me to be pain free and stops my periods (WINNER)……. but F*ck I hate the hot flushes, breakouts, mood swings, weight gain and inability to sleep.

So, I have my last injection in two weeks and I’m absolutely psyched! Because I’m going to have to get my body into a bikini when we go to Bali and need to lose weight, or the balinese people might mistake me for Buddha…..

Cheers to old mate who thought it was ok to call me chubby the other day too (biggest eye roll yet). Some people have no filter and don’t think before they speak. I have been really struggling lately with the weight gain and although I am not fat by any stretch, it really hurts when people say insensitive things like that….. I suppose the poor bloke didn’t have a clue about my dramas, but mate, do me a favour and think before you speak, before you hurt another poor soul. That didn’t stop me from going to San churro and drowning my sorrows in chocolate and Spanish donuts though!

Can I just take a minute to worship women….. we go through hell and back in our bodies and I swear sometimes our reproductive organs try to kill us, but we always fight and get shit done! We are damn amazing and although sometimes it would be easier to be a Male (some aspects), I’m proud to be a woman….. we are tough!

So, from here we wait to see when the zoladex wears off, if the pain comes back, I go to be cut open again, if it stops (preferred option) all will be well and I will just have to plan for my future fertility. I have so many amazing friends who have offered to be a surrogate in the worst case scenario….. I have a truly amazing support network and without you all this shit of a time would be 100 times worse…… bless you all lovelies ❤

Pain, pain go away…. come again….. NEVER…..

A prescription script here, a prescription script there, prescription scripts everywhere! (to be read in the tune of old MacDonald btw). This was getting absolutely ridiculous! Im on so many drugs, I’m a walking pharmacy…. drugs anyone? Every thing under the sun was prescribed to figure out the root cause of this pain…. even though the Doctors were sure it was the abnormality…. they didn’t want to take the risk of taking an ovary incase the other f*cked up, leaving me completely screwed and because they were concerned about doing more damage to organs in that area….. NO THANKS!

It was the last resort….. Zoladex implants, temporary menopause (which I didn’t know was a thing!), months of hot flushes, break outs, mood swings and possible alopecia. All I could think was F*CK! But, bless the doctors souls, they are only making sure that my wellbeing is looked after and I have massive respect for them!

So here I am, going into the chemist with a script for a menopause implant, that would have cost $300 if I wasn’t a poor uni student on a healthcare card……. hallelujah! Then I returned back to the doctor to be poked and prodded with needles…. such a fun time (eye roll)…. I swear I have been touched more down there by doctors these past few months than actual men! Bloody hell!

So, feeling sorry for myself I wandered out of the doctors rooms and went to Macca’s to stuff my face…. I was going to gain weight apparently…. I was just assisting the speed at which it happened and I didn’t give a flying f*ck.

Two weeks past and not much happened, apart from a few break outs and a few headaches. But Satan himself sent the menopause demons after that! I was losing hair….. my weight was fluctuating, (despite efforts to exercise and eat remarkably healthy) I was covered in pimples, my sex drive was at zero and I was bursting into flames every couple of minutes! I would go from cold and rugged up, to burning up and naked in 10 seconds (apart from in public, that shit was a bad time).

So the deal is, apparently if the zoladex injections stop the pain will have the risky surgery to remove my floating, piece of shit of a detached uterus. Oh and did I mention I have to have the injections every month (eye roll). Being a girl is horrendous! Anyone want to swap?

 

Pic: http://gldmd.com/blog/what-is-zoladex-how-does-it-help-endometriosis/

Questions…… so many questions……

Driving home stuffing my face with kitkat and high on drugs. The reality of the situation had not really sunk in 100%. I was with the fairies, having a jolly time, excited for Christmas and to see the puppies when I got home.

Fast forward to around 10pm, I was aching, couldn’t get comfortable, therefore couldn’t sleep and my pjs wouldn’t fit over the enormous tummy I was sporting. I found myself thinking about how this would change my life….. would I be able to have my own children, experience the pregnancy glow and the morning sickness, experience making, growing and birthing a baby? I was absolutely shattered!

The next few days I was experiencing dizziness from the altered blood pressure, pain of the physical and mental kind and also frustration at my two beautiful Grandmothers, who bless their hearts, were around at my house cleaning. But really I wanted to be alone, I was sick of explaining what was going on and recruited Mum as the family advisor (another thank god for Mum moment).

Life started to get easier, mentally and physically! I was healing well and in a few days it was Christmas, just in time to take my mind off things. In no time at all it was my six week check up and I finally got to ask some questions about my abnormality…… instead of asking Doctor Google (I Know, mistake!). I was still experiencing pain and we began to realise that the abnormality may be the cause of the pain.

Bit of an anatomy lesson here guys….. but I have a unicornuate uterus, half of my uterus is detached from the other half, causing only one ovary and Fallopian tube to assist me in conceiving….. but there is a very small space for carrying a little person. (refer to my fave pic for explaining it to peeps). So, as you can see, I had so many questions! Like, would I ever be able to have children? If so, naturally or not? Would I need to freeze some eggs? Could I have a natural birth due to my small cervix? The list goes on and on! My questions were finally answered….. I have a chance of having children, although I may need the assistance of IVF. I also cannot have a natural birth due to the size of my uterus and my cervix and I probably need to start thinking about freezing my eggs. My head was spinning…. this time not because of the drugs, but because of the information.

Fast forward a month, sitting in the doctors waiting room, in persistent pain…… here we go again.

 

 

Pic: http://babysounds.com/getting-pregnant/how-to-get-pregnant/how-to-get-pregnant-with-unicornuate-uterus/